The Good. The Bad. The Embarrassing.

by | Sep 1, 2013 | Every Day Life

This column is actually all about the embarrassing news, but I need to give you a little background and the good news/ bad news will lay the foundation.
For those of you who have been regular readers of my column you will probably remember my efforts to lose weight and jog a 5K. And you will probably remember it all started with a challenge from my son Dillon; I jog a 5K and he never smokes a cigarette again in his life.
Good news: I lost 48 pounds and felt great!
Bad news: I never could jog an entire 5K. The farthest I could jog was 2.75 miles.
Good news: Dillon stopped smoking anyway.
Bad news: I have gained 28 of those pounds back. Never fear, I have now started attempt number 596 to lose weight. We’ll see how it goes. Never give up!
Good news: I needed a whole new wardrobe after a 48 pound weight loss.
Bad news: I donated the clothes that no longer fit. I could sure use some of those clothes back.
Yes, some of you have just thought to yourself — or if you are like me, talked to yourself — now donating clothes does not sound like bad news. Needing those clothes back, yes, but not donating them. But the donation leads me to… The embarrassing news.
As the pounds began to melt away I started placing clothes that no longer fit me into a plastic garbage bag. Before long, I had several garbage bags full of clothes. Every day I planned to donate those clothes to the Salvation Army Store. But months went by and it kept getting pushed to my to-do list for the next day. Soon I had five full bags of clothes cluttering my bedroom.
Around the end of April I hear that my church, First Baptist, is collecting items for the African Mission Trip Rummage Sale. So, a couple of weeks later I think to myself, “I should just take all these bags of clothes to the church.” And I did. What a good little church member I am.
On June 18, 2013 I found out what a good little church member I was.
I am riding in a car with three of my closest friends (this story is so embarrassing that they do not want me using their names) and they are telling me about a gag gift they purchased for another one of our friends for her 50th birthday. They got this gag gift at the Church Rummage Sale. Yes, you should start to feel dread at this point.

They begin by explaining how they were sorting through bags of clothes that had been donated. And low and behold someone had donated a hot pink, full- figured little lingerie outfit.
Yep, get sick to your stomach. Or at least feel sorry for me.
I am sure my eyes were big as silver dollars. Surly, I didn’t donate that to the church.
I halfway listen to the remaining details of how they thought it best not to sell pink, sexy lingerie at the church rummage sale, but to instead use this hot number as a gag gift.
Really, what kind of woman would donate her full-figured sexy lingerie to the church rummage sale? You are probably not that kind of woman, but apparently, I am.
By this point, all I am hearing is my own inner voice saying over and over again, louder and louder, “I cannot believe I donated that to the church!”
Please, please remember I had intended to donate it all to the Salvation Army. Now, some of you are wondering how that’s better? Well, it is a nice, expensive, pretty piece of lingerie and I thought some other full-figure woman might appreciate the opportunity to own it. And more importantly it is not my church. They don’t know me there!

They don’t know me there!
My friends keep telling the story of the pink lingerie completely unaware of the conversation in my head. All of a sudden a new conversation begins in my mind, “Should I tell them it is mine? I mean, I could just keep my mouth shut and no one would know I was the crazy woman who thought it was OK to send her lingerie to the church rummage sale.”
If you had been in my brain at this moment you probably would not have made it out alive, it was spinning at warp speed.
I mean, there really IS something not right about selling lingerie at the church! Yes, I know we could have a whole conversation about how God created sex, but let’s not do that right now. I am still trying to recover from this incident.
Oh people, the story gets worse. One of my friends takes the nightie home to wrap it for the gag gift and her husband sees it. Now, this friend happens to be somewhat full-figured and her husband mistakenly thinks it is for him. He happens to be on the phone as she is holding up this “new” piece of lingerie and he keeps enthusiastically giving her the thumbs up sign. At first she doesn’t catch on that he is referencing the hot pink number, but when she does she thinks it is hysterical that this “church lingerie” is such a hit with her man.
Ok, by now I am just dying. The voices in my head are getting louder. I finally blurt out, “I am pretty sure that is mine.” I begin to describe it to a tee and they confirm my description.
Yep, no mistake, I have given my lingerie to the church. I know we are taught to give a tenth of all we own to the Lord, but I think I may have just taken it a bit too far.
So let me conclude with what I think should be considered a public service announcement about the dangers of losing weight. Each and every one of you who can go to bed tonight knowing you have never donated lingerie to your church rummage sale should feel very proud of yourself. And then you should thank God that I walk on the planet to make all those good feelings about yourself possible.


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